How to Plan a Wedding as a Neurodivergent Couple

Planning a wedding is stressful and overwhelming even for Neurotypical brained folks.

So if you're like me and a little bit spicy, then the thought of planning a wedding could be enough to fill you with anxiety.

Neurospicy is a common slang term for folks who fall under the whole Neurodivergent umbrella. I use it to refer myself and after my diagnosis of combined ADHD, but if you don't relate the term yourself please know that I don't mean to lessen the struggles of Neurodivergent folks.

Wedding Planning requires lots of skills that us ND folk can struggle with, organisation, remembering things, keeping track of details, multi tasking, making phone calls... and all whilst sticking to a strict budget.

If your budget allows for it then my first piece of advice is to consider hiring a wedding planner. A full service planner will work with you from the very beginning to understand your vision for the day. They will source suppliers, quotes, schedule meetings etc for you, and make the whole process a lot less overwhelming.

Of course, wedding planners come at a cost, so if hiring someone to help is about as realistic to you as having Taylor Swift sing Lover as you walk down the aisle, then there are steps you can take to make the whole process a little bit easier. 

Having officiated over a hundred weddings whilst managing my own ADHD I've learnt a few things, so here's some ideas from your favourite spicy brained celebrant.

Break down wedding planning into manageable chunks 

Use software like Goblin tools or Chat GPT to help you create smaller projects within wedding planning and focus on one project at a time. 

• Find a venue. 

• Find a photographer. 

• Choose what type of ceremony you want. 

• Etc etc… 

Utilize hyperfocus time to research 

When I get invested in a new project I can hyperfocus for days or weeks. I can spend every waking minute researching that topic until I’ve read every article, seen every Tiktok, and watched every Youtube video on the topic. 

If you too love a good hyperfocus sesh then lean into the obsession and research weddings until you know exactly what you don’t want, and have narrowed down your must haves. 

Create a wedding email address 

This is the simplest but most life changing wedding planning tip I can give you. Not only does it mean you have one place for everything wedding related that you can both check, but it means that the minute your wedding is finished you can never see another email related to weddings ever again! 

Ask friends and family to help 

If the idea of speaking to a host of different potential suppliers fills you with dread then ask friends or family to help you make initial contact with potential suppliers. 

Most suppliers will prefer contact via email then telephone anyway - who uses a phone for actual phone calls these days??? 

You can even slide into the DM’s of a supplier you come across on Tiktok or Instagram and ask the best way to request more information on their services. 

Photo by Vicky Dubois

Seek out Neurospicy suppliers 

You won’t be surprised to hear that the wedding industry is filled with Neurodivergent folks. Something about being employed in a creative field has us all flocking, so you won’t struggle to find folks who understand you and your needs. 

For instance;

Lauren May at https://laurenmayphotos.co.uk is a fabulous spicy photographer

Becky at https://www.hawthorneandivory.co.uk is a fabulous stationery designer

Use spreadsheets and lists 

If you’re the kind of spicy folk who love a spreadsheet then the research part of wedding planning is where you will flourish. 

Make a spreadsheet comparing venues, what they offer and the cost of all the options. Make a spreadsheet of local suppliers and why you like them, or what they offer that appeals to you. 

Create a pinterest board filled with ideas and inspiration of things you love, or even things you hate and definitely don’t want to include in your wedding. 

Make a list, or several lists of tasks you need to complete and add deadlines to each task. Make sure to add a check box so you can tick off each tasks you complete and get that dopamine hit! 

Find venues with multiple locations and quiet spaces 

When it comes to choosing a venue try to find a venue that offers multiple spaces and rooms for each section of your wedding rather than one room that is constantly turned around and changed for each element of the day. 

This will ensure that you and your guests always have multiple options to spend time in, and there is always somewhere you can go to seek out some quiet time if things become too overwhelming. 

A venue that has some outdoor space is also a great idea. Not only can you enjoy a quiet walk with your photographer for photos without fear of being watched by your guests, you can use the outdoor elements to comfort you when you feel overwhelmed. 

Visit your venue during the day and at night 

The wrong lighting can completely ruin my mood and give me instant migraines, so I think it’s always wise to visit your venue both during the day and the night if possible so you can check the lighting and space works for you. 

Are there options for soft lighting such as fairy lights? Is there plenty of natural light for during the ceremony? 

Keep your timeline loose and flexible 

Don’t be tempted to cram all your great ideas into a jam packed wedding timeline, you risk over extending yourself and then feeling exhausted and overwhelmed on the day. 

Keep the timings of the day loose and flexible so that you can honour your needs and take time outs if and when needed. 

Choose a celebrant for your ceremony 

Having a Celebrant means you can get to know your wedding officiant months or even years before the wedding actually happens. You’ll feel more comfortable with someone you know leading the ceremony than a stranger, plus they can talk you through exactly what will happen during the ceremony, and you can see every detail of the script in advance so you know exactly what to expect and aren’t forced to deal with any unexpected surprises. 

Consider a smaller guest list 

If the thought of standing front of a hundred guests fills you with anxiety consider planning a more intimate wedding celebration or even eloping with your nearest and dearest. 

Consider a Silent Disco

Wedding receptions can be noisy affairs, so take into consideration how different noises will affect you and what you would feel most comfortable with. 

Dj’s and bands can be very loud and escaping them can be difficult, so why not consider options like a silent disco where those who choose can wear headphones and tune into a selection of musical offerings. 

You could have a very soft playlist on the in background for the remaining guests at a level that’s comfortable to talk over. 

Buffet Style food or sharing platters 

Instead of opting for a three course meal why not opt for a selection of sharing platters or a buffet so that you and your guests can choose the food you feel like on the day itself. 

Adding a few safe side dishes like fries, crisps, salads can help too. 

Games & parallel Play 

Consider arranging some fun outdoor games for during the drinks reception so that folks can mingle without having to always make direct eye contact. Simple games like ring toss, can bowling, and jenga can encourage relaxed interactions. 

If you prefer a more indoor friendly set up consider hiring a gaming console or two and setting up some fun multiplayer games like Mario Kart, Sonic, or Guitar Hero. 

Bring fidget toys 

If using a toy when you're overstimulated helps you in everyday situations then make sure you carry one with you on the day. If you’re wearing a dress, seeking one with pockets to play with your toy discreetly could help if you worry about people perceiving you, but there’s no shame in using a fidget toy or fiddling with a coin or your necklace to help regulate your emotions throughout the day. 

Create a hobby corner or table in your venue 

If you find comfort in colouring or building warhammer figurines and your friends do to then consider adding a hobby table at your wedding so that you and your guests can sit down some quiet time and parallel play when needed. 

This can also be a fun alternative to a guest book, each of your guests painting a small piece of a large puzzle, or creating a friendship bracelet as a keepsake token from your special day.

Put your mental health first 

It’s easy to get sucked into all amazing possibilities available to you and to feel pressured from your peers or family to do things a certain way, whether it’s tradition, or to keep up with the Jones’.

But if your own mental health starts to suffer then take a break from wedding planning.

See if you can find a compromise that works for everyone involved, but if not don’t be afraid to put your foot down.

Remember it’s your wedding, and you have every right to plan it the way you want.

Hazel